Straight Woman Needs Wife for LTR with Husband & Kids

I have always, for the most part, wanted a wife. No, I am not a lesbian… and this is not my “coming out” essay, for I have nothing substantial to declare. Nor am I a woman who wants to become a man. In other words I like being myself, I like women, but I don’t “like women.” All that being said, I still want a wife. No, not one of these modern women who work and have careers and dreams for themselves outside of the home… no, that chick is me. Thirty –five and unmarried, I recently moved to Los Angeles following my dreams of stardom as a writer and director. I have never been married, never had children, and have never been in any significant long term relationship. But I want to, I want to get married, have a handsome, loving husband and beautiful, smart children and I want us all to live happily ever after. Except, I’m afraid I can’t do it, that I am completely incapable of doing it, which is why I need a wife to do all the things I feel I cannot do. I want my very own, 1950’s style, June Cleaver, wife for my future husband, children and I to share.

For me, she can be my new live-in best friend. She can listen to all of my gripes about work and people I know and give me the neighborhood gossip I miss when I go to work. She can also go shopping with me and tell me what shoes to buy and what jeans make me look like I have a juicy ass, smaller thighs and trim waist. More importantly, she can do the laundry, making sure all of our whites stay white and all our socks have a mate. She can grow herbs, vegetables and fruit in the garden to make organic nutritious meals for our family. Oooh, and she can bake bread and cookies and pies other delicious treats for me and the kids. She also makes the best lunches and the kids never complain and the low fat diet she has me on helps me lose 20lbs. She is my help-mate. So, when I have long stopped being attracted to my husband she can takeover all sexual duties… pretending that 1 minute 30 seconds is all the lovin’ a girl needs or desires.

To my children she is the woman who drives them to ballet class, piano lessons and soccer practice. She is the one who never misses a game and cheers the loudest in the stands. She stays up with them when they have a fever or the flu or just a bad dream. She is the one who sews their costumes for the school play and bakes goodies to sell at the bake sale. Besides my husband and me, there is no one else in the world who loves them more.

To my husband she is the woman who gets his slippers and his paper when he walks in the door. She makes a mean scotch and tonic or whiskey and rye or whatever manly thing it is that husbands drink after a long hard day at the office. She balances the checkbook and never spends a dime without asking him first. She watches sports, plays poker, cooks for him and his friends and cleans up after them without complaint. At night she rubs his feet and tells him how special he is, how that job is lucky to have him and how cool he’d look on that motorcycle, Porsche, or boat. She tells him that she hasn’t noticed his paunch, love handles or receding hair line. She never ever complains about anything.

She is not me.

I cook about three times a week and most of what I call cooking is a sandwich and chips or fish and salad and on a bad night a bowl of whatever cereal was on sale. While I try to watch what I eat and have gotten significantly better I still suck at living the healthy lifestyle… I can’t put kids through that; at least I don’t think so. My mom stayed home when I was younger and she made everything from scratch… cinnamon rolls, zucchini bread, carrot cake, you name it. We had fresh fruits and vegetables either from our garden or the open air West Side Market in Cleveland and she varied our diet by feeding us exotic foods like Falafel, plantains, Fufu, and tofu (unheard of in the early 80’s on the east side of Cleveland). What’s more, we weren’t even allowed to drink Kool Aid because simply put, according to my mother, it was “nothing but dye and sugar.” And while she wasn’t necessarily the best laundress… I had many a faded jean and shrunken shirt to prove it; she did do loads and loads of laundry for my brothers, father and me. I can’t imagine it… seriously, I can’t. (At this very moment I need to go do laundry but I am choosing to write instead.)

Furthermore, some nights when I get home I don’t feel like talking. I just want to take off all of my clothes and lay across my bed and watch a little TV. Can you have moments like this with a husband and children? My married friends who have children only talk to me right after the children have gone to school/bed, husband’s at work or while running an errand to the grocery store. Our conversations can best be described as AOL headlines… one sentence descriptions of what’s happening in our worlds. Talking to them while their kids and husbands are home is nearly impossible. What you get is, “Uh huh… hey what did I just say?” “No… I said no!” “I’m talking to Najaa… __________ said hi.” “Girl, let me go.” Am I willing to put up with that, my life being constantly interrupted?

Moreover, I can be completely self absorbed at times. Obsessed with my own feelings and heartache and laboring over what my future holds or if I still have toothpaste in the corner of my mouth. The list goes on and on, it’s like some internal tape constantly running, only blocked out by the occasional voice of someone else and even then, more likely than not, my internal tape is still playing while I’m supposed to be listening to them. If marriage is supposed to be a partnership how can I not be listening to my partner 80% of the time? And what if I miss something important said by one of our kids, like Dada or… Mama?

Lastly, I desperately want to make it in the film industry, hence this crazy move cross country. Do I, can I, put my dreams on hold for the wants and needs of others, my own family? If the studios called tomorrow and asked me to direct a feature film and the man of dreams showed up in my life proposing a blissful future of marriage and children which would I choose? The truth is both… but I would postpone the marriage and children. But since neither has happened I guess I have nothing to worry about. But when it does happen, and it will, I’d better start writing a personal ad for a wife.