On May 9, 2009 one my best friends in the whole world suddenly died. In June he would have been 40 years old. He was diagnosed with HIV about four years ago and when he shared the news with me together we cried and prayed for a healthy, bright future for him. He was my big brother, my rock and my confidante. I told him things that I couldn't tell others. He was as nonjudgmental as a person could be. He’d calmly listen to you and then help you work out a solution. He also taught me a lot about life and people, seldom was he wrong, but he’d never preach to you or shove his opinions down your throat because he’d say ultimately you’re going to do what you want to do anyway. He was calm and patient and he treated his friends like gold. He was also extremely private.
A few months ago, when his health began to take a turn for the worse, his other close friends and I secretly began to call one another to discuss his health, progress and strategies to encourage him to get the medical attention that he needed. We did this in secret because he would tell each of us only bits and pieces of what was going on with him and besides that he would have killed us for discussing him behind his back. Well our little plan worked and he got the treatment he needed. When he was released from the hospital he was back to his old self. When I spoke to him on the phone he sounded vibrant and full of life that is until he went to fill his prescriptions.
He had medical insurance through his job but apparently it didn’t cover HIV medication. One prescription was $400 and the other $700. He only made about $25,000 a year, minus rent, car payment, and two wage garnishments he could not afford it. I immediately began researching national non profit agencies that were designed to help people like him get these critical medicines and forwarded the information to him. He called and was told he made too much money. Slowly, but surely, his health began to deteriorate once more.
It began with a persistent cough which he blamed on his allergies and other sinus problems. Then he would tell me he had follow up doctor’s appointments but wouldn’t tell me if he actually went or what the results were of the appointments. We friends began to call each another once more. The last time we all conferred with one another was the day that he passed away in his sleep… his best friend and roommate was preparing to take him to the emergency room.
I was devastated, we all were. Sometimes I still think that I can pick up the phone and call him. (We talked every Saturday morning for hours and sent each other text messages throughout the week.) I shared with my family and larger group of friends, some who knew him and others who didn’t, about his passing. There was an outpouring of love and support but I’ve also taken note of how people react when I say he had HIV. They make a little face or there is a pause in their conversation. It is judgment… about a man that in most cases they didn't even know.
What do they think they know about my friend? He was gay? He was promiscuous? He was a junkie? What? Or is it that they still consider HIV and AIDS a disease of filth… “Oh you must have been doing something nasty or wrong to contract it, so you got what you deserved.” He was a gay man, not a junkie and no more promiscuous than the average straight man his age. He contracted HIV the same way straight people do, by having SEX with someone who has it. HIV/AIDS doesn’t care if you’re straight or gay. If you have had unprotected sex in your lifetime you are at risk of contracting HIV/AIDS or an STD. Why? Well that’s because in some people it can take weeks, months or years to be detected in their blood stream and quite frankly alot of people don't get tested. Oh and before you start on how people shouldn’t be having unprotected sex with people they don’t know, shut up! If you have ever had sex with someone, anyone, without a condom in the last 35 years you may have been exposed to HIV/AIDS, period. It doesn’t matter that you’ve known your partner for 10 years or two weeks nor are now involved in a monogamous relationship or that you’ve turned your life over to Christ. There is a chance that you could have contracted the virus.
“But I know my partners and they’re all healthy.” Really… do you know what they did before they met you? Do you know everyone they’ve ever slept with? More importantly, do you know what they do when you are not around? Yeah, that’s what I thought. By the way, I know several people, straight and gay, with HIV and they look very healthy and if they never told you, you would never know they had the disease. So, looks can be deceiving.
(I used to work for the Family Health Council of Greater Pittsburgh in the mid 90’s and I remember talking to nurses at Alma Illery Health Clinic in Homewood and one said that she saw a pregnant 16 yr. old girl who’d contracted the HIV. She refused to tell the nurses and the health department who the father of her child was out of shame and fear but she did say he had multiple children in the community. I’m sure he didn’t look sick either or she wouldn’t have slept with him. )
You don’t choose to get this disease but your choices may lead to you contracting this disease. It doesn’t mean you are evil, dirty or deserving of this disease no more than a cancer patient deserves to have cancer. As my beloved, now deceased, friend would put it, “it is what it is.”
My friend’s sister asked his best friend/roommate if her brother was gay, without thinking he said yes. She paused… but then she said I really wish he would have felt comfortable sharing this information with me but my parents, if they knew, they would have cut him off. Needless to say, my friend also never told any of his family that he had contracted HIV or that he'd been ill in the last few months.
After his body was released from the coroner in New Jersey his family quickly had a funeral. We were told about the funeral on Friday and the funeral was Monday. Though his sister didn’t think her parents knew about his sexuality, we all know they did. At nearly 40 yrs. old your son has never brought a girl home or talked about being in a relationship… come on! They’re older but not dumb. Our group of friends began wondering if the family had a speedy funeral so that most of his friends, which includes me, couldn’t attend the funeral. We suspect they didn’t want a certain element to attend but alas we’ll never know. What we do know is that our friend deserves respect in death as he did in life.
"Judge not lest ye be judged."
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
"Hate the sin but love the sinner" now that’s just bullshit! Why hate?
Dedicated to:
Rayfield Johnson, Jr.
“The Lord will make a way.”
June 1969 - May 2009
A few months ago, when his health began to take a turn for the worse, his other close friends and I secretly began to call one another to discuss his health, progress and strategies to encourage him to get the medical attention that he needed. We did this in secret because he would tell each of us only bits and pieces of what was going on with him and besides that he would have killed us for discussing him behind his back. Well our little plan worked and he got the treatment he needed. When he was released from the hospital he was back to his old self. When I spoke to him on the phone he sounded vibrant and full of life that is until he went to fill his prescriptions.
He had medical insurance through his job but apparently it didn’t cover HIV medication. One prescription was $400 and the other $700. He only made about $25,000 a year, minus rent, car payment, and two wage garnishments he could not afford it. I immediately began researching national non profit agencies that were designed to help people like him get these critical medicines and forwarded the information to him. He called and was told he made too much money. Slowly, but surely, his health began to deteriorate once more.
It began with a persistent cough which he blamed on his allergies and other sinus problems. Then he would tell me he had follow up doctor’s appointments but wouldn’t tell me if he actually went or what the results were of the appointments. We friends began to call each another once more. The last time we all conferred with one another was the day that he passed away in his sleep… his best friend and roommate was preparing to take him to the emergency room.
I was devastated, we all were. Sometimes I still think that I can pick up the phone and call him. (We talked every Saturday morning for hours and sent each other text messages throughout the week.) I shared with my family and larger group of friends, some who knew him and others who didn’t, about his passing. There was an outpouring of love and support but I’ve also taken note of how people react when I say he had HIV. They make a little face or there is a pause in their conversation. It is judgment… about a man that in most cases they didn't even know.
What do they think they know about my friend? He was gay? He was promiscuous? He was a junkie? What? Or is it that they still consider HIV and AIDS a disease of filth… “Oh you must have been doing something nasty or wrong to contract it, so you got what you deserved.” He was a gay man, not a junkie and no more promiscuous than the average straight man his age. He contracted HIV the same way straight people do, by having SEX with someone who has it. HIV/AIDS doesn’t care if you’re straight or gay. If you have had unprotected sex in your lifetime you are at risk of contracting HIV/AIDS or an STD. Why? Well that’s because in some people it can take weeks, months or years to be detected in their blood stream and quite frankly alot of people don't get tested. Oh and before you start on how people shouldn’t be having unprotected sex with people they don’t know, shut up! If you have ever had sex with someone, anyone, without a condom in the last 35 years you may have been exposed to HIV/AIDS, period. It doesn’t matter that you’ve known your partner for 10 years or two weeks nor are now involved in a monogamous relationship or that you’ve turned your life over to Christ. There is a chance that you could have contracted the virus.
“But I know my partners and they’re all healthy.” Really… do you know what they did before they met you? Do you know everyone they’ve ever slept with? More importantly, do you know what they do when you are not around? Yeah, that’s what I thought. By the way, I know several people, straight and gay, with HIV and they look very healthy and if they never told you, you would never know they had the disease. So, looks can be deceiving.
(I used to work for the Family Health Council of Greater Pittsburgh in the mid 90’s and I remember talking to nurses at Alma Illery Health Clinic in Homewood and one said that she saw a pregnant 16 yr. old girl who’d contracted the HIV. She refused to tell the nurses and the health department who the father of her child was out of shame and fear but she did say he had multiple children in the community. I’m sure he didn’t look sick either or she wouldn’t have slept with him. )
You don’t choose to get this disease but your choices may lead to you contracting this disease. It doesn’t mean you are evil, dirty or deserving of this disease no more than a cancer patient deserves to have cancer. As my beloved, now deceased, friend would put it, “it is what it is.”
My friend’s sister asked his best friend/roommate if her brother was gay, without thinking he said yes. She paused… but then she said I really wish he would have felt comfortable sharing this information with me but my parents, if they knew, they would have cut him off. Needless to say, my friend also never told any of his family that he had contracted HIV or that he'd been ill in the last few months.
After his body was released from the coroner in New Jersey his family quickly had a funeral. We were told about the funeral on Friday and the funeral was Monday. Though his sister didn’t think her parents knew about his sexuality, we all know they did. At nearly 40 yrs. old your son has never brought a girl home or talked about being in a relationship… come on! They’re older but not dumb. Our group of friends began wondering if the family had a speedy funeral so that most of his friends, which includes me, couldn’t attend the funeral. We suspect they didn’t want a certain element to attend but alas we’ll never know. What we do know is that our friend deserves respect in death as he did in life.
"Judge not lest ye be judged."
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
"Hate the sin but love the sinner" now that’s just bullshit! Why hate?
Dedicated to:
Rayfield Johnson, Jr.
“The Lord will make a way.”
June 1969 - May 2009
Read his obituary at: http://www4.vindy.com/content/records/tributes/294489040750190.php
