Child, three days ago I was so in love I couldn’t stand it. Yes, I literally made myself sick. In the last few months someone who’d been out of my life for the last few years had re-emerged. He is spiritual, intelligent, ambitious, funny and… fine! On top of that, this man thinks I am supremely talented and supports the work that I do creatively. (Sigh…) Perfect, huh? Not quite, years ago I had a major crush on him and nothing ever evolved from our friendship and now… well now… we have a joint venture we’re working on together and shit, I am scared to tell him how I really feel. Rejection is a hell of a drug….
A few weeks ago I reconnected with an artist I know from my hometown, an extremely talented guy, a painter. For as long as I can remember I have always fallen for talented, dynamic men. For me talent is the best aphrodisiac in the world and this brother has no shortage of it. Phone calls about business quickly turned into personal and a conversation ending with him saying how he was attracted to me. (Sigh…) Attraction is a hell of a drug…
It has been a long time… two years to be honest, since I’ve been attracted to anyone. It’s difficult for me because over the years I have developed standards. I can’t just date the corner boy who hollers at you while you’re in line at the post office because saying, “A yo you sexy than a motherfucka” just won’t cut it as a pick up line. Nor can I date the Jamaican man in his 50’s who smokes weed outside in a public park who wants to “elevate me spiritually” but didn’t offer to purchase my meal after he followed me to the restaurant. Kick rocks weed head, Dred! And I cannot date the man whose self worth is caught up in what he drives and where he lives who thinks that registering as a Republican makes him special and smarter than the rest of us. I also can’t date someone who doesn’t read, watch the news, have a spiritual center or himself have standards! Standards are a hell of drug…
So when these two men entered my life imagine my happiness, joy, euphoria. Days and nights spent exploring one another’s thoughts, being honest and ones self… being admired. (Sigh…) Then it all started going south…
Mr. Ten Years Gone Too Long never talks about dating anyone and almost never inquires if I am either. To be perfectly honest I never ask him about it either because his answer, should be it that he is indeed dating someone, would be a piercing blow. Not good, I know… I should ask but… like Sade says, “somebody already broke my heart” and I am not willing to let my feelings change for him just yet… the fantasy I have of us being together building in my head is, to borrow a line from Seal “like an addiction that I can’t deny.” I just like being in this state of ignorant bliss (sigh)… Ignorance is a hell of drug…
Mr. Talented Attraction thinks we may be soul mates. We were born on the same day three years apart. We both want successful long term relationships. We both are tired of serial dating and meaningless sex. We both want a muse to inspire us creatively. (Sigh…) We haven’t seen each other in at least three years. We have never actually gone on a date or even hung out. He isn’t as financially together as I would want him to be, though to be fair neither am I. He is talking about moving back in with his mother to save money to move to Toronto. Sometime he rhymes when he talks because he is also a spoken word artist and sometimes he has VERY sexist views about women. Last night he said he thinks we should just do it… get married, this after a 2 hour heated debate. Love is a hell of a drug…
Yesterday, Mr. Ten Years Gone Too Long dropped a bomb on me. All of my plans went right out of the window… I wish I could elaborate but I can’t. I can say though I was disappointed in him and with everything going on. Our business venture may even be on hold for a while things are sorted out. My fantasy of there one day being something more gone blowing in the wind like cherry blossoms shaken from a tree. Oh the love is still there like the tree but the beauty of the blossoms, the fantasy, is gone. Reality is a hell of a drug…
I always want what I can’t have and what I have right now may not be enough… like the song says, “somebody already broke my heart” years before these two came along so I am asking God to please send me one that won’t.
A few weeks ago I reconnected with an artist I know from my hometown, an extremely talented guy, a painter. For as long as I can remember I have always fallen for talented, dynamic men. For me talent is the best aphrodisiac in the world and this brother has no shortage of it. Phone calls about business quickly turned into personal and a conversation ending with him saying how he was attracted to me. (Sigh…) Attraction is a hell of a drug…
It has been a long time… two years to be honest, since I’ve been attracted to anyone. It’s difficult for me because over the years I have developed standards. I can’t just date the corner boy who hollers at you while you’re in line at the post office because saying, “A yo you sexy than a motherfucka” just won’t cut it as a pick up line. Nor can I date the Jamaican man in his 50’s who smokes weed outside in a public park who wants to “elevate me spiritually” but didn’t offer to purchase my meal after he followed me to the restaurant. Kick rocks weed head, Dred! And I cannot date the man whose self worth is caught up in what he drives and where he lives who thinks that registering as a Republican makes him special and smarter than the rest of us. I also can’t date someone who doesn’t read, watch the news, have a spiritual center or himself have standards! Standards are a hell of drug…
So when these two men entered my life imagine my happiness, joy, euphoria. Days and nights spent exploring one another’s thoughts, being honest and ones self… being admired. (Sigh…) Then it all started going south…
Mr. Ten Years Gone Too Long never talks about dating anyone and almost never inquires if I am either. To be perfectly honest I never ask him about it either because his answer, should be it that he is indeed dating someone, would be a piercing blow. Not good, I know… I should ask but… like Sade says, “somebody already broke my heart” and I am not willing to let my feelings change for him just yet… the fantasy I have of us being together building in my head is, to borrow a line from Seal “like an addiction that I can’t deny.” I just like being in this state of ignorant bliss (sigh)… Ignorance is a hell of drug…
Mr. Talented Attraction thinks we may be soul mates. We were born on the same day three years apart. We both want successful long term relationships. We both are tired of serial dating and meaningless sex. We both want a muse to inspire us creatively. (Sigh…) We haven’t seen each other in at least three years. We have never actually gone on a date or even hung out. He isn’t as financially together as I would want him to be, though to be fair neither am I. He is talking about moving back in with his mother to save money to move to Toronto. Sometime he rhymes when he talks because he is also a spoken word artist and sometimes he has VERY sexist views about women. Last night he said he thinks we should just do it… get married, this after a 2 hour heated debate. Love is a hell of a drug…
Yesterday, Mr. Ten Years Gone Too Long dropped a bomb on me. All of my plans went right out of the window… I wish I could elaborate but I can’t. I can say though I was disappointed in him and with everything going on. Our business venture may even be on hold for a while things are sorted out. My fantasy of there one day being something more gone blowing in the wind like cherry blossoms shaken from a tree. Oh the love is still there like the tree but the beauty of the blossoms, the fantasy, is gone. Reality is a hell of a drug…
I always want what I can’t have and what I have right now may not be enough… like the song says, “somebody already broke my heart” years before these two came along so I am asking God to please send me one that won’t.
