There are traders amongst us women, women who refuse to let you enjoy a holiday dinner, office Christmas party, or a night out at the bar. These are women who, because of their own insecurities, have decided to wage war against your self esteem by discussing your weight, a known Achilles heel for most women. These women (men usually don’t engage in this type of warfare) are usually our friends, best friends, mothers and sisters. The conversations start off innocently enough, generally with compliments. Someone mentions that they like an article of clothing or an accessory of yours or just how good you’re looking in general then, out of nowhere, like a hammer someone (either the person who made the compliment or a bystander) undermines the compliment by saying something about your weight which will be thinly veiled by a “pseudo-compliment.” Such pseudo compliments are, “Yeah, you could be like a plus size model,” or “Amanda’s big too, she always has the nicest clothes… I wonder where she buys them?” Another scenario like this may arise if you are talking about dating or being single. One of your so called friends may say “You know there’s a bar that has a night just for plus sized women” or “You should go on Craigslist there are always men looking for big women.” Lastly, if you are an actress you may hear, “I know if that Pinesol lady is getting paid you should be too.”
First, how the hell are these supposed to be compliments to me?!!! Maybe I am living in an utter state of denial but I don’t feel “different.” I am the size I am. I am not delusional I know I am not a size 8 but I feel like most other women, especially black women! I do not have trouble breathing, I run, jump, leap, dance and can do anything I wish to physically barring some injury. I watch what I eat (though admittedly I do have some bad habits) and I teach dance 3 or more times a week. I do not have to buy an extra seat on the airplane and I do not have to purchase clothes by mail order. And while I cannot buy some designer clothing I do not feel alone because most of them do not make clothes larger than a size 10, an extra large is a 12 (!!!) and most American women wear a size 14.
Am I really at a point where my size makes me someone’s fetish? A special night at a bar? Heeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll no!!! As for being a plus size model… I am cute (if I do say so myself) but I’m also 5’5” so I guess my modeling career was over before it started. (BTW most plus sized models are a size 10 because the average model is a sample size 2!) And as for the Pinesol lady, anyone who knows me or has seen me knows we have little if anything in common besides the fact we are both black.
From my late teens to my mid 20’s I suffered from an eating disorder. While it went undiagnosed by doctors it was clear that I was suffering from bulimia. My best friend and my father, away at the time, were the only ones who knew. It was a miserable existence. I’d binge eat because of my feelings of insecurity and loneliness then feel guilty that I over ate and take several laxatives. My weight yo-yoed for years because of it and though I later overcame my eating disorder I still struggle with it. There isn’t a time when I eat that I don’t feel some sort of guilt or anxiety. (And as I think about it I grew up watching my mother struggling with her weight and my grandmother talk about hers, but that’s a subject for another day.)
I don’t know how I over came it but I did. I guess that’s the miracle of God! I still diet and workout like most women but I am careful not to lose myself completely in it because mentally it has a way of beating me down and consuming my life. Also, when I diet now it’s not to be thin it’s to be healthier. Yeah, I’ve thought about Bariatric surgery but I just don’t think it is healthy in my case besides who would I really be getting the surgery for, myself or to satisfy society’s ideal of beauty? (If that’s the case then I need bleach my skin, fix the gap in my teeth, and straighten my hair too and ain’t none of that happenin’!)
So, while I do have the normal issues with my weight and body you are not entitled to project yours onto mine. If you really want to pay me a compliment just say I’m pretty, intelligent, or stylish (men do!) and quit using weight to differentiate my beauty from yours (and make yourself out to be the superior).
I am drawing the line in the sand and anyone that makes a negative comment about my weight is declaring war and I will defend myself by any means necessary and that means pointing out how insecure you are. Here’s how the conversations may go:
Scenario 1
Friend A: Wow, you look really nice… I wish they made clothes like that in my size.
Me: They do… they sell them in stores with other articles of clothing. You just have bad taste. (In professional settings you may substitute the latter sentence with, “But you’ve got to have an eye for style.”)
Scenario 2
Friend B: You should go on Craigslist there are men always looking for big women on there.
Me: I don’t need to go to a special place to find men they find me. Do they have men looking for someone like you on there?
As always it’s been a pleasure.
Najaa
